Renewed Vigor

Sometimes when life starts to get rolling and you get caught up in all the things coming your way...you don't always notice what direction you are going.

In my case, I must say, I was lucky...this time. I was not caught up in a steam roller to shit canyon. I was actually being hurled at breakneck speed to good things. Unfortunately some of my experiences happened a bit prematurely.

It is the whole... when one door closes a window opens concept, except, I guess, my opportunity was more like the picture of a window than an actual window. In any event. I am going to try to spring board from the possible emotional disaster (possible because inside of it right now it feels a bit like being inside a blender, but I think, maybe, I will not completely dissolve over this) and come out the other side even more motivated than before.

Weight loss is a rather insidious thing, you see. As soon as you lose a few pounds a girl (and no few men) discover the sexiest accessory to the opposite sex is ...confidence. This can be the beginning of the end.

In December I put on this confidence and... landed a lover.

I don't want to put him down...he is a nice guy...but he was nothing more, nor less, than a reminder of why I was losing weight in the first place. He wasn't the kind of guy you brag about to your friends. He wasn't the kind of guy you can rely upon to hold your hair when you are sick. But he was the kind of guy you could get fairly lame compliments from. And he was willing...no more than that...eager to sleep with me. Not some slimmer me that he knew before I gained all the weight...this me.

I need that. I more than need that.

However, the result was less that satisfying. I only wanted to be with him because he was not disgusting and because he was into me. I didn't really like him. Don't get me wrong....he is a great person, just not one I have all that much interest in.

But when you combined him with the weight loss...I was flying high on a sea of confidence that was more seductive than a pair of stilettos and thigh highs. This haze of confidence paired with inhibition lowering circumstances, can impair your judgment and make you come on to men you have no chance in hell of attaining (at least not at your current weight).

In rare circumstances, you flirt with one of those extraordinary men who is both amazingly attractive and nice. In this circumstance...sober up...wake up...do what ever you have to do...

Don't go out with him.

Sure, you will be flying high on the belief that you have somehow you have done it. You lost enough weight to finally attract a guy that is funny, intelligent, and attractive, who doesn't do drugs and has a job, and doesn't have a swarm of illegitimate children...but you would be wrong. Those guys won't fall for you. Not as you are...right now...at this weight. They fall for your smile...your personality...your confidence...just not the package they are in.

I will try very hard to not hold it against him...my knight in shining armor, because he tried very hard to get past the pudge.

If you are anything like me it will feel more than a little like being bi-polar (or so I suspect). When he is around you are soaring high above the clouds...basking in the glow of his company. When he goes away (for class, work, the night, whatever) your logical brain begins to remind you that his is nearly Adonis and you are practically a walrus. Your low self-esteem re-asserts its dominance and you fall into despair.

You will bring this up with your friends, especially your best girl friends. And they will tell you that...'of course, he is into you'...'you are beautiful'...'you are awesome'...etc. They are biased. You could weigh 1000lbs and look like a train wreck and they would probably say the same things.

Eventually...The truth will come forward and take the wind from your sails. He is nice. He does like you. He won't be sleeping with you. You are not his type. You are too fat. He wants to be friends.

I would like to think I took it like a soldier. I squared my shoulders and marched in front of that firing squad. I'm more than a bit of a fool for trying to convince my mind what my body and at least a bit of my heart wanted. But I'm not so much of a fool that I didn't know when the time was up. The game was over. I lost.

Now...This is the moment. Right now. It's all over but the crying...as they say.

The real problem in weight loss is this moment. The high is over. You didn't get there. You lost this round. What you do now determines what the next round looks like.

Do you:
A.) eat a pint (or 4) of Hagan Daas with chocolate syrup
B.) go on a crash diet
C.) keep going at exactly what you were doing before

Answer C is the least satisfying. The hardest to do in the circumstances. And, I suspect, the only remotely correct answer.

Current weight: 179